Conundrums

I am always stuck between giving people everything because I am dying to create meaningful relationships, and giving them nothing at all because then if they leave, at least I will be left whole. Being loved is the minimum. Make sure you are also being respected, prioritised, supported, desired and understood. 

My whole life changed when I realised I could be humble and calm yet still take no shit and set solid boundaries to protect my energy. Letting people be wrong about you or a situation while keeping your peace and focus is the most misunderstood power move you will ever make.

Don't ignore your intuition just because it is telling you something you don't want to hear. The best thing I ever did was becoming more low key and focusing on myself. It is not a bad thing to celebrate a simple life. You think attention is love and that's why you suffer so deeply. Thus right now I am heavy on self improvement: it is really me vs me. And you don't know this new me because I put my pieces back differently. I found this world to be woefully lacking in safe places; so I became one.

As someone rightly said "She'll never be the same as all the others, for her soul is made of moondust, black orchids and red, red wine, and this magical combination tastes just fine."

not that anymore

I think the real reason why it's so hard to let go, why it takes so long, is because you still have hope. And when you have loved somebody unconditionally for so long, it doesn't really end. No matter how many times you tell yourself that it's really over, for you, in your heart, it isn't.

But the saddest truth is, no matter how much you love them, no matter how hard you try, you can never make the wrong person the right person for you.

So you have to let them go.

And with time, the ache begins to dull, and you should never feel ashamed for how you loved them.

I used to be the person that no matter how bad you hurt me, I'd always still be there for you, but I realised this had to stop because that's how you allow people to take advantage of you and allow them to continuously step over you. I am not that person anymore.

I have given so much of myself to people, and they'll make me genuinely feel that they would do the same. Except they don't. They never do. Out of every person that I have ever invested myself into, I am constantly the one who cares a little more, and it hurts.

I understood myself only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself, did I know who I really was.

The switch and the closure

I wish there was a switch within all of us. I wish we could just turn on and off our emotions. It would have been so much easier to breath then, so much easier to feel alive. I guess heart is the only thing that doesn't make a noise when it shatters; it just breaks silently.

I am certain I love with the entire force of the universe, and it feels too much to ask another human to take that in. I have often noticed that my heart speaks with more clarity when I sit for a time on my own, in the dark, and just listen.

Then I noticed. My thoughts were destroying me. I tried not to think. But the silence was a killer too.

As soon as I catch myself missing someone who left my life, I remind myself that them not being part of my present is a consistent choice that they make everyday. They wake up and decide to maintain the silence. They are indifferent to the space that gets larger between us. Isn't that in itself a pretty powerful closure.